Why do I always look the other way and fear criticism? Exploring the Roots of a Sensitive Personality
Hi everyone, I posted this before on May 3 but didn't receive a reply so I'm re-posting it again.
I'm a pretty sensitive personality, and I can especially feel changes in my mom and dad's moods.
When I'm in a bad mood, I even notice the voices of passersby talking, and when I'm in a good mood it's no problem at all.
I told my mom that I was always pleasing her, but she said I didn't do anything for her that would count as pleasing.
I thought my mom's words made sense, but they didn't square with my reality.
If my mom is right, then I should be the one who will ask for what I want, instead of always looking the other way and being afraid of being criticized.
Looking back, I studied hard as a child as if I was trading in my mom's love, and as an adult I took the civil service exam very seriously.
I didn't understand why I cared so much about what people thought and wondered how my mom raised me.
Now that I'm older, I'm not blaming my parents.
Hello owner, I read your reply on the 1st floor, and you said in your comment that "if I have a child in the future, I will definitely respect him", which really touched my heart. So I would like to ask you a question: "Do your parents respect you?"
Love does not necessarily mean knowing how to respect. Respect is actually an ability to respect oneself before one can respect others. Respect comes from an inner sense of equality; a person has to see themselves and allow themselves to exist before they can respect others. To respect others is to allow them to exist in their own way.
Allowing yourself to exist means accepting that you are not like everyone else; respecting others means accepting that they are different from you.
If a person does not even have an independent self, how can he respect others? He may have to "respect" others by degrading himself, just as an adult may do when seeking money or medical treatment. But when it comes to their own children, parents usually don't respect their children by putting themselves down, because they don't want anything from them. So many parents may not know how to respect their children.
However, being disrespectful doesn't mean they don't love you, for example, they may show their love by buying toys or making good food.
The owner describes herself as a "sensitive" person who "cares about what others think", and I wonder what made you develop such a personality.
From your conversation with your mom, you said you were pleasing her and she said you didn't do anything so it wasn't considered pleasing. This suggests that your mom may not be a sensitive person, and if she were, she might have asked rhetorically, "Why do you say that, son?"
It may be because your parents were not sensitive enough to catch your needs and give a timely response when you were growing up. But your heart has always longed for that kind of response.
We recognize that we are worthy of being loved by the timely response of others.
Why do you care what others say? It's really about caring about how others respond.
Only when we receive a positive response can we be sure that we are worthy of being loved. If we don't receive enough positive responses when we are young, children may develop thoughts in their minds that "I am not good enough", "I don't deserve to be loved", or even that "no one likes me". When they grow up and receive a negative response, these scary thoughts come back, making them want to run away, withdraw, and become more and more sensitive.
So, oversensitivity is actually a form of self-protection, used as a defense against possible harm.
But sensitivity isn't a bad thing, and it can turn into an asset when used in the right places.
How do you use sensitivity correctly? It is to shift the focus from yourself to others. For example, an insecure person who is sensitive will think, "Does he not like me when he talks like that?" Whereas an insecure person would think, "Why is he talking like that? Is there some need?" The latter is more likely to use sensitivity to care for others.
With enough security, it is easy for people to step out of their self-centeredness and love others. If there is not enough security, one will always want external approval to prove that one is worthy of being loved. This is the deeper reason why we care so much about what others say.
The establishment of a sense of security is related to the family of origin and parental interaction. Parents responding to their children in a timely manner can help them build a sense of security.
As an adult, it may not be easy to try to change the pattern of interaction with your parents because the habits have been set. A good way to do this is to find a stable counselor and gain a sense of security through interaction with the counselor.
Of course, you can also try meditation, sit-in, etc., to connect with yourself and talk to your heart to boost your sense of security.
Learn to look at yourself, delight in yourself, love yourself, and then love others.
I hope my answer helps you.