I have a knot in my heart that I have not been able to untie for years. The thing is, my mom's cousin's family has two cousins, and we used to be pretty close, but then I did something that made them unhappy, and the relationship slowly faded. I've been trying to explain to them that I didn't mean to do that, but they don't answer their phone or reply to my messages. What can I do to make our relationship go back to the way it was before?
Hi. - Hi! First of all, I'll give you a big hug through the air. I'm so glad to see you share this, and I hope my advice will give you some support. From your description, I can sense that you are feeling particularly guilty and remorseful because of past behavior that may have hurt a relative, and that you are eager to be understood, accepted, and to be forgiven.
While your actions may have made everyone uncomfortable at the time and even affected the relationship, remember that the hidden needs behind those behaviors are not right or wrong in and of themselves, and they deserve to be confronted and responded to.
The first step to change is to learn acceptance. Accept what you were inappropriately saying or doing and the damage it did to yourself, to others, and to the relationship. Once you realize this, what you can do is respect the way they reacted. If they keep refusing to forgive, you can choose how to respond, such as writing a letter that honestly expresses your feelings and needs at the time, apologizing for your behavior, stating your guilt and desire to be understood, but also respecting their attitude.
This will help you get a good release of accumulated guilt, self-blame and aggression.
Also, understand that you may think they resent you, but they don't say it outright, so maybe it's more of a feeling you're projecting out of your dissatisfaction with your own behavior, and maybe they don't mind it as much as you think they do. What do you think?
So try to ask yourself, can you fully accept and understand yourself at that time? If you can't even do that for yourself, how can you expect others to?
I'm Lilly the Little Earther from the Answer House, and the world and I love you.