My mom was a teacher, and I grew up under her strict discipline and had to listen to her on everything. At the same time, I became her emotional garbage can because she always said that the family's shame should be kept in the open, so she poured all her grievances about the family and my dad on me. I tried time and again to break free from this cycle, but I was afraid of breaking her heart.
It's like she's put a glass wall over herself, mentally shutting out the outside world, and even when I communicate repeatedly, she remains convinced that everything she does is for my benefit.
And so, I was obedient for thirty years, with my mom helping me make almost all of my life choices, from school to marriage.
On the surface I look quite happy, but in fact I am very unhappy inside, I always wonder why people have to get married? Why do we have to have children? It wasn't until I became a mother myself and had a daughter that I realized I was afraid of the role of motherhood.
I often beat myself up, thinking that my character may not be sound enough due to my upbringing. If I wasn't truly happy myself, how could I make my child happy? In my constant self-adjustment, I try to find out how to be a good mom, hoping to block the negative influence my mom had on me and not let it carry over to my daughter.
I love and fear my mom and don't know how to cut this cycle without letting her get hurt.
Hello friend! Seeing the confusion you've shared, I'll start by giving you a warm hug.
First of all, you have to understand that family of origin is a starting point that we don't get to choose.
Mom has been strict with you since you were a kid, even taking care of your schooling and marriage for you.
But now you realize the problem, and that's where the change begins.
There is a saying in psychology that "seeing is healing."
Often self-awareness is the first step to healing.
Now that you have kids too, you can make a conscious effort not to repeat your mom's parenting style.
I wonder if your baby is a boy or a girl?
But regardless of gender, you can try to let go appropriately.
Because you'll realize that you shouldn't carry over the way your mom treated you to your kids.
I truly wish you the best of luck in finding a solution to the problems you are currently facing.
That's all the advice I can think of at the moment.
I hope my answer can give you some help and inspiration. I am the answerer learning well everyday.
Here, the world and I love you. Good luck!