As a high school student, I often experienced cold violence and threats of force from my father. I was a day student, and in the morning he would wake up, but deliberately said he needed more sleep to not take me to school; at night, when I came home, he wouldn't talk to me, and no matter what happened, he thought it was all my fault.
I remember experiencing cold violence from as early as kindergarten, along with physical and verbal threats. Whenever he gets upset, he smashes things, kicks in doors, blackmails me with money and says he will kick me out. What should I do? He also used to say sarcastically, "If you think you're so great get out of here, don't try to tell me what to do now that you live in my house and spend my money, who are you?"
I've been feeling particularly tired and overwhelmed lately.
I longed to get out of the situation and even wanted to get back at him at times, I really hated him.
Hello, first of all, I would like to give you a warm hug. I completely understand your frustration and resentment in the predicament of "strict control but little love". My name is Shu Ya Qing Zheng, and today I would like to talk to you about how to deal with such parents.
Because they are dominant in status, age and ability, they are prone to acting forceful and controlling and disrespecting you at will, which can be really depressing and infuriating.
How can you make this "adversary", who thinks he is a threat to you at every turn, see your power, be impressed, and become respectful and gentle?
First of all, as a high school student, you still can't live without his care, such as transportation. Wouldn't it be better then to try to respond skillfully, communicate well when you need him, express your feelings and requests, and use gentle words to get him to help willingly?
For example, you can say: Dad, you accompanied me to school in the morning, I feel especially relieved and happy, you are so great. So now please take me to school. Thank you for your hard work.
When he is cold and violent, you can also say: Dad, if you do not stay with me, I will soon be grown up and fly away, you can not find me; or, Mom and Dad, you smile so beautiful, when you are happy, I do everything with motivation, I will work hard to study, to get into a good university, to find a good job, so you will be even more proud of you!
The most effective way to defuse cold violence is actually the expression of warmth.
Speak objectively about your feelings and needs, and make your requests clearly so that your parents can understand what you are thinking. The love under strict control may slowly emerge and your time together will become more cozy.
When they are in a calmer mood, tell them that certain words and actions make you feel sad and disrespected, and ask them to watch their attitude because you will learn by osmosis; you want more happy times at home.
Trying to understand your parents and showing them how much you have grown and worked hard is probably the best way to get them to change their opinion.
Maybe your parents are tired from work or have a nagging problem and don't know how to relieve stress, you can invite them to learn something on a psychological platform to help them relax.
Doing what you can around the house, pouring Mom and Dad a glass of water, rubbing their shoulders, or giving them a hug - all these little things communicate your love.
When something comes up, discuss it with your parents in a sincere and respectful manner, such as communicating with your dad the night before about going to school in the morning and voicing your concerns and requests.
These actions will make your parents feel your maturity and caring, and you will feel more accomplished when you see their surprise reaction.
There is a famous "south wind effect" in psychology: it refers to the fact that gentle communication can make people feel comfortable and have a positive impact. It emphasizes that warmth is better than cold.
In contrast to this is the north wind effect, where strong-arm tactics are used instead to make people resist. The south wind is successful because it satisfies the intrinsic needs of people.
It's like the north wind and the south wind both trying to get people to take off their coats, but with different methods and vastly different results.
You are welcome to join your parents on the mental platform to read related articles such as "What is the South Wind Effect? How to Blow Away the Haze of the Mind? , which we share together.
The world and I love you, and I hope these tips help.