My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 6 months now.
He is divorced with a child and not very well off financially; and I am also divorced but have no children and own a house and car.
At first we got along exceptionally well and felt he was the one I had been looking for - warm, tolerant, serious, kind and attentive.
He always felt shortchanged and was thoughtful and caring in every way.
Lately he may have more things going on, he spends less time with me and doesn't pay as much attention to me as he used to, and I even overheard his ex-wife's diary at his house.
I suddenly became especially sensitive, had huge mood swings, cried, got frustrated, despaired, and even lost my temper with him, and I didn't even know what was going on.
Although he comforted me and communicated with me time and time again, I felt like he was becoming less patient and less in touch.
This state is killing me and I really don't know how to get out of it.
It's inevitable that a divorced man with children will have contact with his ex-wife, something you should be prepared for early on in your relationship. It's not clear why they divorced, but co-parenting exes with children is sure to have complicated feelings mixed with love-hate relationships.
The conflict between you is actually quite predictable, and it's even conceivable that living together would present all sorts of challenges in terms of how you'd get along with his kids and how you'd deal with his contact with his ex-wife because of the kids.
Finding a divorced man with children requires a lot of wisdom in getting along. Of course we will be mindful, angry or disappointed, but when emotions come up, can crying and screaming solve the problem? That will only make him think that you lack the ability to deal with problems, and how will you face his children and complicated social relationships in the future?
It's obvious you care about him and want to continue the relationship, which is why you're so sensitive to your ex's diary and worried about his mind being divided. Is there a more rational solution than just venting your emotions?
I recently learned a scientific method of arguing and I'm sharing it with you:
Step 1: Start by expressing your emotions, feelings and opinions
Step 2: Invite the other person to voice his emotions, feelings and opinions
Step 3: Repeat the first two steps to deepen understanding
We can use this to simulate a scenario where you see your ex-wife's diary.
Your previous reaction might have been to simply question, "What is this? What are you keeping it for? It's so disappointing."
But you could phrase it differently, "Why do you still have your ex-wife's diary? I get the feeling you still have feelings for her and I care about you and am very insecure right now."
If he hears such an expression, he may explain well the origin and significance of the diary, thus opening up to you more and increasing trust.
For the next conversation, you can go along and discuss some principles of getting along, such as the frequency of contact with your ex and what he does to put you at ease.
Intimacy is about two people growing together, it's not about finding the right person and getting it over with. It's in the bonding that both people continue to improve themselves to make the relationship stronger.
You can be impulsive and loud when emotions hit, but you can also choose to be more aware and express your true feelings, which takes practice slowly. I wish you happiness!