I've been feeling lost and confused a lot lately, so maybe I should stop and sort out my true feelings before I do.
My family of origin does present some challenges, and I myself realize that I have quite a few issues. I have been trying to work through these disturbances, but often feel particularly lost in the process, unsure of what to do next. I'm terrified that I'll make a mistake, and I worry if there are some subconscious psychological factors that are affecting me, and I'm always a mess inside.
Sometimes I take the bull by the horns, but on second thought I become particularly open and tell myself that maybe it's okay to follow my feelings. But then I worry that my feelings may not be reliable either and may lead me in the wrong direction.
It all started with my relationship with a friend - let's call him a friend. The imbalance of not feeling like the other person is paying enough attention to me, but demanding that I give him 100% of my attention, is nagging at me.
I realize that these thoughts may just be rational conclusions and not how I really feel. I've never been able to make sense of my relationship with him, and I'm just relying on some theories of how friends get along to keep the interaction going. I wasn't even sure how he felt about me, and despite knowing each other for six or seven years, I wasn't even sure we were considered real friends.
Perhaps what I really need is to see how I feel before I decide how to act.
When you feel lost, first give yourself a warm hug. From your description, I can sense an inner low self-esteem and lack of confidence, which may stem from a lack of acceptance of self. Many people do not clearly perceive this. Our family of origin is something we cannot choose, but as adults we can learn to accept ourselves better. Acceptance means recognizing that you come from a family that may not be perfect, but that's okay; everyone has their own scars and unique strengths. Our relationships with others often reflect an internal relationship with ourselves. Try to become aware of the real needs behind those confusions and insecurities: such as the desire for acceptance and support, or the fear of rejection. Think about what these feelings mean to you - if others don't treat you the way you expect to be treated, it doesn't mean you're not good enough. Awareness is the beginning of change, and change comes with acceptance. Allow yourself to have worries and hang-ups, and then try to follow your heart and be true to yourself while being afraid. Don't define yourself by the results of your actions; by starting to act first you can slowly build confidence and ease anxiety. Remember that growth is a process and that the world and you deserve to be loved.