It's been three whole years since I came to this city, and those three years have been a nightmare of falling apart for me. I was left alone to break out of a mental bottleneck, netted out of my marriage like a lost dog, and constantly pestered, terrorized, and verbally abused by a teenager with neurotic tendencies. I believe there is a root cause behind all of this. I fought tooth and nail to ensure survival first, borrowed money to buy and renovate a house, failed repeatedly at work despite my best efforts, and was filled with depression, overwhelm, embarrassment and anxiety. It was three years of hell on earth. I completely stepped out of my old self and moved with my heart, seeing so much sweetness and toxins in my character. I was deep in despair in the world of my ego like the painted skin because I didn't want to wear that fake mask anymore, I wanted to live my real self. But the real self behind the painted skin has a hard time surviving in the real world. What do I do with this devilish self? How can my real self live once I throw off the painted skin? I felt so desperate that I was going crazy, and wanted to leave this world in order to gain peace and stop suffering. I can't do anything about it, so I comfort myself every day by saying, "Better to die than to live", so what else can I do?
Hi! First of all, I'm sending you a warm hug through the air. The most important thing I want to say when I see your plea for help is that I applaud you for your bravery! You are truly wonderful! You will always be the light in your own way forward. One can be defeated, but one will not be knocked down. You didn't give in to fate and have the inner conviction that you can live your life to your liking if you want to. There are endless possibilities in your life, go for it! Your bravery healed me too. Although we can't choose where we come from, when we become aware of the traumas brought about by our bad origins and are willing to change them through hard work, we take back the initiative in our lives instead of being at the mercy of fate. As hard as it is for you right now, there is a light ahead because you are very clear about what kind of life you want, and that's what motivates you to not give up on yourself and to be brave enough to fight against your destiny, don't you think? Allow yourself to have occasional emotions of helplessness and grief, you can try to record in writing what you really feel when you are saddest, or find a safe environment to let out your tears, so that the painful emotions inside you can be seen, flow and released. Emotions are not good or bad, right or wrong, they are a flow of energy in the body that needs to be embraced. When you allow your emotions to flow naturally, the hurt is lessened and you learn how to love yourself better from it. Right? I recommend you read the book "Alive". I'm Lily Little Ears from the Answer Library, and the world and I love you.